Becoming a mother is a transition, not a single moment. Early weeks of motherhood are a whirlwind, with seemingly endless feeding, nappy changes, never ending laundry and your home feeling like mayhem. Being able to clean your teeth or shower is a luxury and you feel so sore and tired it’s hard to explain. It can all feel too much. 

As the early days move into weeks the fear of getting things wrong may hang over you. You’re ‘heavily invested’ in your baby, naturally preoccupied and anxious to do everything for your baby, who is absolutely dependent on you. You are determined to get it right and to enable your baby to bond with you; keeping your baby alive and healthy is your number one focus. However, within that, it’s possible you’re experiencing a pressure to get everything ‘right’. Perhaps you are also pretending, to anyone that asks, that you are happy and all is well, when perhaps it isn’t? If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. 

Possibly part of you wants to turn the clock back. Maybe you feel you have made a massive mistake but can’t tell anyone or you’re terrified of getting something wrong, harming your baby or being judged a ‘bad mother’. You may have become desperate to control everything and unable to let anyone else help as a result. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed and flooded but don’t understand why.

What if you were told that these thoughts and feelings are normal, that they are common aspects of the transition into motherhood, known as ‘matrescence’? Matrescence describes the changes to your identity, relationships, body, energy and priorities as you become a mother. And what if you also heard that an Ordinary Devoted Mother is good enough, and that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect mother’? 

Does the Idea of ‘Perfection’ Come From?

The ‘perfect mother’ archetype has been a long time in the making. For millennia, mothers have been encouraged to embody ideals of dutiful caregiving, often represented in the scriptures and religious stories of their cultures. Over time, these expectations helped shape social ideas about a mother’s purpose. Mothers naturally have a sense of responsibility, all being well, but the pressure to perform the role well enough—to meet an invisible standard—has entered our collective imagination and continues to influence women who mother today. Combined with the natural desire for our children to be well and happy, it can become a powerful preoccupation, particularly in the first year of a baby’s life.

Western culture offers ideals and standards about motherhood, how we ought to look or be. Celebrities back in their pre-pregnancy jeans, Instagram mums looking perfect. It’s hard not to feel like a failure. When we are confronted by our own idea of a perfect mother, either incarnate or seen online, we might compare ourselves to this & start a cycle of thoughts that tell us we are inadequate or not good enough.

Additionally, maybe growing up you were praised for being 'good’ but criticised when things went wrong or found yourself taking responsibility for other people's emotions from a young age. 

Alternatively you grew up in an environment where mum kept everyone happy, she took care of everything at home, she seemed to be always effortlessly good, she was just such a ‘Good Mum’. 

Or life simply taught you that getting things right, aiming for perfection & being in control felt easier than accepting that some things are outside your control. You may have also come from a work environment where you are rewarded for having done certain things ‘right’.

When you look at it that way, wanting to stay in control and do everything for your baby begins to make sense. It is not because you are weak or broken, but because your experiences have taught you to see control as a source of safety. Perfectionism leads on from this and can  become a way of managing the uncertainty that comes with motherhood.

The Hidden Ways Perfectionism Shows Up Every Day

Perfectionism has a habit of creeping into the smallest moments.

• You plan ahead before you know whether a plan is needed.
• Your husband doesn't fold the laundry the way you asked, so you’ve taken over the task in order to get it right. 
• A friend seems disorganised so you make sure everything is arranged how you want it ahead of meeting up together with your baby. 
• The sunhat went missing when your mum took your baby out. Your first thought isn't, 'That was unfortunate.' It's, "This isn’t safe, I need to protect my baby, I can’t let them out without me.” 

When someone else acts carelessly without meaning to, you may wonder whether the problem arose because you were not in control. Spending time holding and handling your baby well matters greatly. However there comes a point when insisting on doing everything leaves you unable to care for yourself or sustain your family relationships. You can become so focused on getting everything right—or perfect—that you rarely stop to ask a different question: what if the responsibility was never entirely all mine in the first place? Perhaps it is not your job to control everything or to be a ‘Perfect Mum.’

The Art of Letting Go (or Sharing Responsibility)

It took two people to make your baby, so working with your partner can help make parenting a shared venture rather than a one-woman show. Letting go may mean giving your partner the opportunity to take responsibility, even when a task is not done exactly as you would do it. Could they manage the groceries, put the hoover round or take responsibility for the bath-time routine so that you can have a much-needed rest or time for self-care? Partnerships can come under enormous strain when a baby turns two into three, so it is important for both parents to be as involved as possible—even when they do things differently to you.

Every mother–baby relationship is unique. As mothers, we can try to grow but also need to recognise that who we truly are is good enough. When we let go of an ideal of perfection and turn towards ‘what is’, we become more able to respond to the real needs of our babies & ourselves. Recognising the value of our own humanity and authenticity—accepting both the times when we fall down and the times when we excel—can make the path easier for us and for our children. An ‘Ordinary Devoted Mother’ is a ‘Good Enough’ mother, and is just what a baby needs.

If you've recognised something of your experience as a new mum in what you've read here, you don't have to work through difficult thoughts & feelings on your own. Perinatal counselling can give you the space to explore where these beliefs came from, understand why they've stayed with you and begin replacing self-blame, guilt or perfectionism with self-compassion. If you'd like to find out how I work, or you're wondering whether therapy might help, I would be happy to hear from you. You don't have to keep carrying responsibility for parenting that was never entirely all yours to carry.

Pippa Watson Rees

September 2026

References:

• Lucy Jones (2024) ‘Matrescence: On the Metamorphosis of Pregnancy, Childbirth and Motherhood’, Penguin Books.
• Riga Forbes (2019) ‘Mindful Thoughts for Mothers’, Leaping Hare Press
• Donald Winnicott (1988) ‘Babies and their Mothers’, Free Association Books, London