When people come to me for relationship help it’s usually in a time of crisis. An affair has been discovered or they are in the midst of an affair but aren’t sure why or how to move forward. One of the things I hear frequently is a sense of blame for the betrayed party, “Why has she/he done this to me?” or guilt for the accused, “I should have been stronger, it’s all my fault.”
The truth is people in committed relationships rarely have affairs because they have just met another attractive human being. Attractive people are everywhere. People have affairs for many reasons; several obvious causes are because they have become emotionally disconnected from their partners or the erotic, the exciting, has been taken over by the domestic in their lives. Perel (2007) states, transgressions can also be a source of “revenge, unfulfilled longings… a quest for intensity or a rebellion against matrimony…. When the intimacy is gone, when we no longer talk, when we haven’t been touched in years, we are more vulnerable to the kindness of strangers.” p.183
To stay together couples need to stay emotionally close…. Over time and in longer term relationships this can be a huge challenge, with all that life throws at us. Alongside stressful work, ongoing family needs and other commitments, ensuring that the two main sources of distance are identified and dealt with is key. These are Resentment and Loneliness. These feelings often come from a lack of tenderness, erotic disengagement, too many arguments, shaming, unending busyness or felt neglect (The school of life, 2019). The origin of an affair begins long before there is anyone to have an affair with. Our earliest relationships also have a part to play in terms of our unconscious.
The best way to avoid having infidelity in a monogamous relationship is not to try reducing contact with other attractive people. It is about building, maintaining & focussing on emotional closeness and relational intimacy that supports the integrity of an (in principle) monogamous couple. How we maintain emotional closeness and relational intimacy in long term partnerships, is the million-dollar question.
A few thoughts:
- It requires a commitment to communication…. Knowing how to speak up and understanding that we have a right to do so; understanding what we are unhappy about and what we need.
- In an argument, or perhaps after it, we need to try to maintain curiosity about the other’s perspective (thoughts, feelings, inner reality) rather than obsessing over the need to be right. What matters in arguments is how they are conducted, understood, and resolved or repaired.
- It requires a commitment to practice listening and getting better at asking questions.
- It requires a commitment to turn towards your partner rather than away, even when that’s difficult and to trust in the containment of the relationship commitment you have together.
It takes vulnerability. It takes work. It takes effort. A true love story is not a Disney fairy tale. If we can tell our partners what we are disappointed about, annoyed by, are worried about or longing for, and can feel heard for sharing in this way, the less we will bear grudges, hold distance or seek revenge by getting into a sexual relationship elsewhere.
So, the most helpful and loving thing to offer your partner in a long-term relationship is Honest Conversations. An opportunity to talk openly about how your partner has disappointed you or let you down, and how you feel about this. Ideally your partner will do this too…. It also requires a capacity to not be terrified by the idea of conflict.
Here are some helpful conversation prompts you could suggest or use with your partner:
“One thing I find hard to tell you that I need to say is….”
“I sometimes feel frustrated when you…..”
An opportunity to offer criticism without anger.
“I want you to know that you hurt me when…”
This is a prompt to reveal hurts, which may well have been unintentional. It’s important that your partner doesn’t deny your hurt but just listens.
“What’s hard for you to understand about me is…..”
Your partner may understand you well yet things change, and we need to explain what is unclear between us.
“What I want you to appreciate about me is….”
“Where I am unfulfilled in my life is….”
“What I miss most about how we used to connect is…..”
How can you help yourself feel heard by your partner? How can you work through resentment, process it, and begin to integrate it? If your relationship already feels shaped by Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — you may need additional support. If you are unsure where to start, contacting a qualified couple’s therapist can be a helpful first step. Please get in touch if you would like support with your long-term relationship.
Pippa Watson Rees
August 2026
References:
- The School of Life (2019) “Affairs”, The school of Life, London
- Esther Perel (2007) “Mating in Captivity: Sex, lies and domestic bliss,” Hodder & Stoughton, London
- J Gottman and N Silver (1999) “The 7 principles for making marriage work” OrionSpring
